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Ask lay here in this silent room , I feel no need to get up , I just look around . I think about everything && everyone very closely . These years have been the roughest on me && in a day or two it will start up again . Looking back on everything , everybody sees a difference in me . && why can I not ? Everybody thinks my regular personality has vanished && turned to somebody unknown . I see no differences in me . Besides the fact I’m actually happy for ounce , I don’t care about drama , I love my friends && family more than ever before . I feel that people have life ahead of them . Feeling my grin turn into a clowns smile every time I talk about my future , my kids && especially the boy I feel I can’t live without but ounce you look deeper in me you see a darkish color that no one can believe that color is in me . I let it out through poetry && counceling . But every other day of the week I put a boarder up , my mask is what gets me through the day . Feeling hurt every single day of my life . Feeling unsafe , so naked , around boy cousins , I feel there thoughts knowing that I don’t let them get to close . Scooting further away. Having fun from a distance . When my mother comes along I walk into my cousins room warning my brother that my mother is here . I turn the knob slowly , when the strong smell of weed over fills my inner body . The anger rushes through my body feeling my blood boil with no hesitation . Wanting to say something && yell && scream at them && that nerve vanishes , I coward out && I just say “it smells like weed in here ” watching their eyes go from red bouncy balls to red beach balls . Knowing that they knew what I was talking about . I try to relax in the car I bundle up my lip , while my mom asks me what was a matter, watching my brothers eyes jerk back at me . Rolling my eyes I say nothing ..i was hesitant about texting my mother what happened while she’s in the car . Fighting the urge , feeling my heart race as fast as my thoughts were . Wanting to violently hit him for acting so oblivious of the smell . Every emotion acting up as I think further on . I can’t live like this with fear , so much emotion , so much depression && less happiness this why my love tells me I don’t show enough love . Maybe it’s cause I don’t know how ..

These thoughts running through my head that he might not be the person I thought he was … No texts , canceling more than ounce , always asking the same questions , not being the same , getting mad for small reasons … I can only bare one thing && that’s that there’s someone else .. My heart shatters && makes me wanna cry till I fall on to my knees . Why me I ask , haven’t I been enough to him ? He says he shows me love && I don’t . Is that true ? Have I not showed enough ? Reading each text we’ve sent I read && see each change in him && not in I . I remember his excitement to see me && now that has vanished . He’s everything I’ve ever wanted && he’s change I force myself not to think negative but that’s all I think of . What is it , who is it ? I stop in that thought && suddenly feel the depression over fill me . I want to tell him how I feel . But haven’t I enough ? I shouldn’t be the one to tell him , he should figure this out on his own . God , what if this is all true … I have to be strong for me , myself && I , that’s all I’ll have in life . I blink rapidly trying so hard to hold back my tears , in the need to cry . Should I stay with him ? Confront him ? There’s only so much I can deal with , && this not it ..

The excitement that is running through me . Taking pictures for him to see the nature I live in . Picturing what it would be like to have his hand in mine . To hear his heart beat slowly turn into the same speed as mine . Looking at his beautiful smile , his lips against mine . Hear his laugh , his voice close to me . Look deep into his eyes , && hold each other until we get uncomfortable . Take pictures with him , with us kissing , holding hands && just being together . I can’t wait to see him , the excitement shivers through my body but soon ill see him && that nervous , scared feeling I have will rip into a billion pieces , && make me collide into his warm embrace . The selfishness over fills me with just wanting him to myself , holding me as he tells me the bed time story I’ve been wanting to hear . Slowly drawing lines on my back making everything more therapeutic . Feeling his breath so close to me warming me with love . Knowing that his touch is real I lean in for a moist , wet kiss && slowly fall asleep . Imagining this makes me wonder how the reality would be . All I know is that everything I see , or read reminds me of how much I love him , how I wish I was talking to him right now . He’s my world , my breath , my life && that’s final in my book . Shaking my head smiling at my iPod , rereading each text sent , after I’m done I hold my iPod close to my heart , while feeling my cheeks flush with my blood leaving a tint right on my cheek bones . Thinking to myself if we make this more official i hope that none of the girls here matter … showing the world that we are together , he might get some haters to shake my hand but i always keep the hand sanitizer . Laughing at my jealousy makes my heart pound && realize im in love , deeply in love with him , && theres no way out. i sigh && shrug oh well at least hes mine &&even all the arguments , they are still ours . && thats the way it should stay just how i like it . “yours mines && ours ” now that im sitting realizing im close to being in Texas making me squeal with excitement that ill soon be in Texas in his embrace .

His love I praise , the warmth that he gives me every time I get a text from him . Makes me want to jump with joy. Those peaceful words “I love you ” make my heart beat a million times faster. Blowing kisses through video camera giving me a warm feeling through my spine . Knowing that it will soon be reality. Knowing that it will soon be reality. Knowing that his waiting for me in the farthest distance makes me the happiest girl in the world ! Calling me his princess, brings a big smile printed on my face wanting him to call me it over && over again but the greatest gift of all is him, I can’t wait to have him dress me in his kisses . Happy valentines day babe .